One Shining Moment

The following is a fantasy based on how I hope the next two weeks of the NCAA tournament turn out. It's based on two aims of mine, 1) that the Big 12 does well, and 2) that KU gets its heart ripped out. These are my goals because K-State got snubbed by the tournament for (among other things) the fact that the Big 12 is considered very weak, and because I can't cheer for KU to win it all, no matter what my conflicting goal may be about having the Big 12 do well. Not only that, but I want KU to suffer the most painful loss possible. So let me set the scene for you...

KU grinds out wins over two defensive-minded teams in SIU and UCLA/Pitt. That puts them in the national semifinals, likely playing Florida or Oregon (I don't really care who it is). Meanwhile, North Carolina and its down-home country bumpkin coach, Roy Williams, dadgums its way past USC and Georgetown/Vandy.

Next Saturday, the two teams win their national semifinal games to advance to Monday's title game. Hippies who knew nothing of basketball until that night run wild down Mass Street, high-fiving random people, congratulating themselves on their great basketball team, and smelling their own farts (obscure South Park reference). The national media write breathless articles about the meeting between "Roy" and "Roy's Former Team." This will irritate KU fans, because they would like to be severed from the memory of all things Roy. It will also cause great anxiety in Fictional-Bird Land, as KU fans would be able to stomach a loss in the national title game to almost anyone except Roy-Boy.

Monday night rolls around and Lawrence is at a fever pitch. Crowds pack the bars made famous for shootings and stabbings of former KU players. Fans shave their heads and wear Danny Manning masks, and rub each other's bald heads to bring back the karma of a horrible 1988 night in Kansas City.

The game begins and the teams stand tied at halftime, 70-70. Roy plays his entire squad in the first half, and Roy's Former Team uses scrubs such as Jeremy Case and Brady Morningstar to prevent Brandon Rush and Mario Chalmers from collapsing. Amazingly, Roy's Former Team pulls out to a seven-point lead early in the second half, leading to a frenzy in Lawrence as the hippies can TASTE the championship that is rightfully theirs.

And then, it all unravels. All five starters for Roy's Former Team are forced to the bench because of leg and side cramps due to the frenetic pace of the game. Even the subs for Roy's Former Team are winded, and Roy's Team takes the lead back with less than two minutes to play. Roy's Former Team is forced to foul and dies a slow, painful death, before losing 132-125.

After the game, Jim Nantz and Billy Packer congratulate Roy (it is rumored he has players on his team) on his second championship and ask him how he feels. He responds,
"Half of me feels great, but the other half of my heart bleeds for my former team. I loved that school, and it broke my heart to leave. But dadgummit, Daddy Dean wanted me to come back here and fix things up, and he knew I was the only one who could do it. I hope those folks back in...uhh...Lawrence? Right, Lawrence, I hope they don't hate me. Oh, did I tell you the one about why I like Coke so much?"

Meanwhile, back in Lawrence, angry hippies have taken to the streets, throwing beer bottles against the walls of nearby churches and burning Roy in effigy at the Moon Bar. One fan of Roy's Former Team, already distraught, becomes angered when his drive-through order at McDonald's is not timely presented to him, and attempts to crawl through the drive-through window to get it, becoming stuck in the process.

Back in Atlanta, the coach of Roy's Former Team, Bill "Goodhair" Self is mercilessly peppered by the questions of ignorant reporters, asking if this year's tournament loss hurts as bad as the previous two years' first-round losses to Bucknell and Bradley. The normally calm Goodhair finally snaps and shoots the KC Star's Jason Whitlock, killing him instantly. Brandon Rush, Julian Wright, and Darrell Arthur announce after the game they will be turning pro, citing their belief that "they've done everything they can for Roy's Former Team."

On Tuesday, April 3rd, dawn finds Lawrence in ruins. Only this time, the sacking was not by Quantrill and Missouri's Border Ruffians, but self-inflicted, an accidental spark from one of Roy's effigies. Only Allen Fieldhouse is spared, forcing fans of Roy's Former Team to be reminded everyday of their most disappointing failure to date.