Tribute to Big 12 Fanbases, Part X: Baylor
"Bud Light presents, Real Men of Genius (Real Men of Genius!)
Today we salute you, Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy (Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy!)
Men from lesser states may know their state's capital,
But you, you know your state's bird, tree and even reptile (Love that horny toad!)
You display your pride with your Lone Star Tattoo, Native Texan bumper sticker, and contempt for any state that doesn't start with 'Tex' and end with '-as' (That spells Texas!)
Sure there are 49 other states in the Union,
But they're smaller, wussier, and the people talk funny (Yankee wussies!)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light oh lover of the Lone Star State,
Because all that flag-waving must have made you mighty thirsty (Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy!)"
Today we swing south into the heart of central Texas to honor those hardy folks who have the bad fortune to be Baylor fans. Some of them also have the misfortune of living in a city, Waco, that I've lovingly referred to as the "shithole" in previous posts. The good people over at BearMeat tell me the town grows on you. That's probably true, and I should be more open-minded, but rashes grow on you as well. I shall give the town another try, however.
Speaking of being open-minded, we needn't worry about encountering any of that wild mindset in Waco. I give credit to Baylor for keeping its Baptist principles in what can be a scary world, but sometimes I think you have to wonder whether Waco realizes it's not 1907 anymore.
--Waco, home of hoop skirts and bouffant hair--
Such fastidious adherence to principles often leads to some head-scratching results. For example:
1. The always-reliable Wikipedia informs me dancing has been around since about 3300 BC. At Baylor, it's been around since 1996.
--Snap yo fingas, do yo step, you can do it all by yoself!--
2. To the great dismay of all who have had to endure years of bad football and basketball at Baylor, alcohol has no place on campus to provide comfort through the endless suffering.
--You just know she's jonesin' for a tumbler of Maker's Mark--
3. Baylor is a place where years of service and money donated can be taken away for an inconsequential little thing like being gay. This guy is a grad, served the university for 18 years, donated $65,000, and raised money for an endowed scholarship...and then was told to take a hike.
4. Apparently, homosexuality is such an abomination in the eyes of the Bears that quotes by gay people can't even be read on campus. I wonder if the poems of Whitman, the music of Tchaikovsky, and the economics of Keynes are taboo, as well?
But the bears are fair. They discriminate against cheaters who tarnish the university's good name just as they do those who dedicate their gay life to helping...
Next up: The Aggies
7 comments:
Damn.
Reads more like an indictment if you ask me.
We have produced 4 Democrat Governors in Texas, including Ann Richards. Also, our NoZe Brotherhood (satirical on-campus pranksters) keep things lively.
Also, off-campus is basically Sodom and Gomorrah, in response to the official Puritanism of the fanatics.
I could have wrote all the nice things, too, but what fun would that be?
And the W-L between K-State and The B (and let's make it fair: all sports, not just American football) is?
We are the Queen of the Untelevised Arena!
Your humor did not go unappreciated. Our reputation is hard to escape and rightfully deserved.
Gracias, Oso Amigo Nuevo!
Red
I should be careful about saying "untelevised sports" because as bad as the Big 12 TV contract is, most of our sports are untelevised.
I concur with the honorable Red Andrews of Bearmeat that it does seem to be a bit of an indictment and not so much a general overview of our beloved Jerusalem on the Brazos. I would be remiss not to point out that Baylor has had many wonderful campus fiascos that draw its students nearer to her Green Bosom.
1) The 2000 street party that required police with video cameras and two helicopters to break up, but not before a couch burning and a rousing rendition of "F(#@ the Police" by Mr. Ice T
2) It was noted in the post that Baylor didn't allow dancing until 1996, which is quite true. However, did we really miss all that much? Who are these people that say, "I would rather go listen to music and girate uncontrolably rather than enjoy the sweet company of Jack Daniels, a lava lamp and a dark room?" Communists, thats who.
3) The green and gold faithful still enjoy the little things on campus that is lost when you allow drinking at your school. The thrill of getting jacked up on appletini's and pressing ham on Morrison Constitution Hall on sitting in a drunken stupor on top of the Bobo's Baptist Student Center sign are some of the little things that we still can take for granted at the B.
4) Lastly, we have simply come to terms with the fact that we are a beacon of truth in a Godless football conference. We focus on sportsmanship, not the end result of a game. Because when all is said and done, we will be smiling down from heaven watching the other eleven schools being destroyed by hellfire and brimstone.
Amen.
Damn, sounds like I need to spend some time at the B, so I can party all night and get right with God all day.
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